Lobster

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motoren
Retired
6000001 Posts

Wow, what a fucking pain in the ass.

How I make lobster..

You will need river rocks, a pot, a sturdy knife, a stove/oven, a baking sheet, an icebath, and a rolling pin.

Ingredients are lobster, butter, a lemon, garlic, FRESH rosemary and thyme, extra virgin olive oil, ritz crackers, onions, chives and leaf lettuce.

I use steaming because it prevents the tail from curling up.

1) Place rinsed off river rocks into a pot
2) Fill the pot with water up to the top of the rocks and bring to a boil
3) Add fresh rosemary, thyme in the water

You can either jam your knife into the lobsters head, put them in the freezer for 15 minutes or drop them into the pot and laugh nefariously. I don't care to kill them humanely because after seeing Starship Troopers I never much cared for the feelings of bugs and insects. I also enjoy the little 'screaming' they make when the gasses release from their bodies.

4) Place lobster in pot, and steam for 3-4 minutes
5) Take out lobster QUICKLY and place it in the ice bath

The reason you place it in the icebath, is to halt the cooking process immediately. This gives you time to start on your other courses. If you don't do this, the organs of the lobster will start to release biological fluids which will destroy the meat and make it disgusting.

6) Starting by the head, cut down the middle of the lobster. Then flip over the lobster and resume the cut. You will now have two halves of lobsters. Start preheating the oven for 400 degrees.

7) Take out the guts, remove the legs and cut off the claws.

8) Take the legs, and a rolling pin and literally crush out the meat.

9) In a pan, sautée some onions until they are transparent. Add the lobster meat, the chives and lemon zest. Add crumbles of Ritz crackers to absorb all the juices. Stir until the juice is gone.

*If you dont know how to zest a lemon, just use lemon juice you uncultured swine

10) Put the claws in 4 minutes early

11) Add the lobster meat mixture into the area where the guts were once, DO NOT pack it in. It will be a large lump of gross shit. Lightly brush the meat with olive oil. DO NOT PEPPER, pepper burns in ovens.

12) Place the remaining lobster in the oven. It will be 8-12 minutes depending on the size. This is a good time to start on steaks.

13) Take out the lobster, and let it cool.

14) Using a double boiler, or a pan melt butter. DO NOT BURN IT, it will taste like shit. Add some FRESH garlic, if you use garlic powder I will impale you on fencepost.

Serve the lobster on leaf lettuce, so the lobster doesn't go flying off the plate when you bring them to the dining area. It also makes for nice presentation. Serve with garlic butter!